There is little to post about that I have time to go into in great detail.

My life is a morass. I know that word sounds funny to say out loud… so don’t. Ah well… I feel like my life is a morass because I am typcially a little bit of a slow starter when it comes to getting around to beginning to start to think about embarking upon dreaming about doing something. Say, for instance, I have to make a phone call. Monday: I have to make a phone call. Tuesday: I have to make that phone call. Wednesday: I have to make a phone call. Thursday: I should think more about that phone call. Friday: I ought to plan a time to make that phone call. Saturday: Well… I can’t make the phone call over the weekend, I ought to revisit the matter on Monday.

You get the picture. sigh.

Now add to the picture that I have to make about 100 such ‘phone calls’ at any given moment in my life… and you may see why I slump down in a chair and whimper and stare at the wall and then put on some music to emote to and then go to bed and have unhappy dreams.

And all the while I’m trying to trust God and I’m trying to assault those silly phone calls one by one… and when I get going, I can get a lot done. I can check off many items on my to do list. And then, I can add more items. And then, something smallish or largeish can happen to mess with my plans, with my creeping feelings of security based upon recent achievements and successes, and I’ll slump down in a chair, lather, rinse and repeat the process. And sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world… like I’m king of the world… like I’m Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet rolled into one incredible dramatistic machine. And then I can feel like I’m one in 7 billion rats in the hugest, most meaningless rat race ever constructed. And nobody notices when a rat falls behind or when he gains ground… only maybe for a moment when he trips and is trampled to smithereens by the stampeding hordes who all are scrabbling for a decent living too.

Meh. There’s no way that life is really like that. It’s not. But sometimes… I get a little too close to the millstone with my nose and I start to believe that the millstone is all there really is. The goal of life isn’t to lead the rat race, or keep your nose from being shorn off by a millstone, nor even to have security and happiness and liberty and the freedom to drive to Oregon every once in a while. Nah, it’s more like… you have to be with people, and you have to care about them… and you have to build connection and choose to invest in their lives and be real and honest and speak the truth in love. You aren’t supposed to impress them… or even really please them in the traditional sense. You’re not supposed to build a castle and fill it with jewels. You’re not supposed to chisel your name in granite for everybody to see. You’re not supposed to try really really hard to be original and get famous, or invent something. You’re not supposed to go running or swimming or skating your way to victory in excellence. You’re supposed to be who you are. And forget about the race and the grind and let go.

I’m reading The Prestige… which is now being made into a major motion picture! Anyhow, it’s a lot about stage magic, the art of misdirection, legerdemain, and the professional life of a prestigidator (illusionist). The primary skill of a magician lies in their ability to use dramatistic flair to create a sense of apprehension and mystery in order that the devastating simplicity of the trick they are about perform goes unnoticed. Then they’ll execute the ‘turn’ so fast, that the audience will swear what happened was impossible because there seemed to be no time for the fantastic feat to occur. But in reality, the answer is always maddeningly simple. Therein lies the prestige, the final part of the trick… where the audience is left stupified by the mysterious feat they’ve just witnessed. None of them can figure it out, unless they already know the secret. The simplest answer is often the correct one. Brevity is often better than elaboration. It’s a process of distilling. My personality likes to cake my emotions in deep layers under linguistic circles, metaphors, and allusory imagery. Eventually… after I’ve grown tired of weaving a wicked path through the maze of language, I’m able to settle down and cast light upon that which went unspoken the whole time. Simply, briefly, the following might be a good way to sum up how my life has been lately:

“When everything seems to go all wrong, you must be doing something right.”

I know that, for all my foibles, I’m blessed, I’m looking for the Lord every day, and I’m not giving up… no matter how attractive the idea of quitting might seem.

And to quote Norville Barnes, “…and you can quote me on that!”

I leave the keyboard now with a slightly emptier head, and an exhortation for all of you to watch the first 24 minutes of A Scanner Darkly on IGN Filmforce (though, you’ll need to verify your age… as the footage is not school/work friendly). And also, you should download the song below… it pleases me to write the odd lyrics to it.

You sat down on our leather chair “call everyone!”
said, “stick your toes all up in the air, come on, it’ll be fun!”

Sometimes they thought you were a little strange…
they were all right

We did 13,000 exercises, they were out of shape…
but we were all okay

You called me and said, “boy, you can’t handle this!”
I was uptight

Only punches below the neck, not the pretty face
they all came and gathered ’round, that was our time
(Whoo hoo, hey hey! Way to go!)
(Whoo hoo, hey hey! Way to go!)

Chaos was followed by stupidness…
I don’t even care
No, I don’t even care

The Party Punch - The Jolly Rogers (now known as Oh No!! Oh My!!)